I’ve always felt misunderstood… people see one way on the outside but I feel completely different than what they see…. when I try to explain myself, they look at me dumbfounded, deer in the headlights, like I’m growing a green horn out of my forehead and googly eyes…. people don’t get me…. I’m too complicated to understand in one meeting… I’m like Shrek, I’m an onion, I have layers, many, many layers…. sometimes I myself am discovering new layers within my layers… sometimes it’s a fun, encouraging discovery, other times it’s discouraging and not so fun what I find. Even I don’t understand myself, I confuse myself, I over analyze myself, I’m too self aware with myself, I try hard to improve myself, I try to remember to enjoy myself, I try and take time away for and from myself …. sometimes I am so overwhelmed with myself I can’t get out of this sticky web I feel like I’m caught in… this web of emotions of frustration and no light at the end and I’m just spinning my wheels of life in the mud and getting no where… like I’m treading water and I cannot move fast enough or gain any ground …. Sometimes, I am my happy, go with the flow self, and that is my favorite, most comfortable self to be… I feel like me when I am that me, I feel like I fit in my skin when I’m that self…. I feel like life is a bouquet of daisies and I don’t mind the little ants and bugs that come along with it…. but those me’s are few and far between… I wish I had more of them…. I want that me…. that me that isn’t hormonal, that me that isn’t depressed, that me that isn’t discouraged, that me that finds the laughter in all the craziness and just giggles just because it feels good to giggle… that me that doesn’t worry about how the bills will get paid… that me that is full of faith and love overflows out of me to give to those around me….. this me right now really misses that me,…. I pray that tomorrow will bring some peace and joy and give me some renewed strength for the coming week of trials… I’m looking for the blessings it feels with a magnifying glass these days… and I know that’s not how I’m supposed to feel but that’s just the me that is me right now, feeling and remembering I can’t trust feelings, but having to ride them out is a doozy and I could do without these tough emotional roller coasters for a while …. some days I can’t wait to be at home with Jesus …. Jesus just come get us, come get us all and take us home to be with you…..
I pray we can have a thankful Easter… thank you Jesus for dying for a sinner like me, and rising again so I can live and be free from death…. Praise you, Oh You who are Holy!!!! Praise you Jesus!!!! Thank you!!!!!