Dream, Spirit, Dream, Soul

The spirit dies right along with the dreams 

The spirit gives up all life when the dreams dissappear 

Lord where are my desires but to only serve you? But your word says to worship you and you will give me the desires of mine heart… How can I have two hearts? I want but one heart and for it it be filled with everything beautiful. 

Search my every fibers and present to me where there is much need of rearrange and I will work it out, otherwise help me find and envision an obtainable dream within the reaches of my fingertips… 

I fear my light and fire may burn out and extinguish itself from lack of soul soothing anecdotes, spirit-less jargon filling up the empty spaces and trashing over the beautiful places. My soul feels messy, it feels out of sorts, into a twisted wind of spiraling into nowhere. 

A junked up spirit is what I’ve attained, always trying to travel the right road and ending up on the wrong path taking a slight wrong turn or pulling a complete U-y  

My soul has endured much pain it is quite battered up and beaten needing help in restoration for all the length of my life

The spirit is dying when dreams are fading 

The dreams motivate the spirit and when motivation is lost you will find a soul with extinguished dreams 

The higher the spirit filled with dreams the longer the fall when they’ve diminished.  

 

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Melancholia 

The deep arises within me
Into the depths I sink

I can’t touch the end 

My light seems to shrink 

 Only with a little spark 

The flame will return

In the evening glow

My heart is full of mourn 

Drowning in madness 

My mind is full 

No more room for thought

Only heartbeats inside my skull 

The ups the downs the inside outs

The Blues the Reds the love the doubts 

The softness the tender the hope of my contender 

The rough the solid the spirit put through splendor 

Cold and reaching trying to find a meaning 

How much farther down before I return to up 

Tight moments of despair 

Wanting wishing for anything other than here 

Storms-Fleetwood Mac

Storms

Fleetwood Mac

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Lyrics

Every night that goes between

I feel a little less

As you slowly go away from me

This is only another test
Every night you do not come

Your softness fades away

Did I ever really care that much?

Is there anything left to say?
Every hour of fear I spend

My body tries to cry

Living through each empty night

A deadly calm inside
I haven’t felt this way I feel

Since many a years ago

But in those years and the lifetime’s past

I did not deal with the road
And I did not deal with you, I know

Though the love has always been

So I search to find an answer there

So I can truly win
Every hour of fear I spend

My body tries to cry

Living through each empty night

A deadly calm inside
So I try to say goodbye, my friend

I’d like to leave you with something warm

But never have I been a blue calm sea

I have always been a storm
Always been a storm

Ooh, always been a storm

I have always been a storm
We were frail
She said

“Every night he will break your heart”

I should have known from the first

I’d be the broken hearted
I loved you from the start

Save us

And not all the prayers in the world

Could save us

Devoting Your Heart

I’m reaching a point in my life, for the first time, where I don’t feel like I’ll be okay if I have to start life over again.

I’ve always been the type of person to see beyond a heartache and pick myself up and dust off the pain after a few nights of crying the blues, and then, move on.

But now? Now I am looking at the future thinking, what would I do if he left? What would I do if something happened to him? What would I do if our life got turned upside down and he no longer was a part of it? I feel like I would be paralyzed with pain or fear or both…

And honestly this really surprises me. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve been through a lot worse than being heartbroken by a lover, I’ve been through a couple of them in fact, so to think that at 32 I would feel so insecure, is quite a scary part in itself.

Why am I so insecure about my future and our commitment to each other, his more so than mine? Why is my confidence in our future so lacking in faith? What the hell is going on?

I suppose, since the truth is that no age is immune to being heartbroken and no amount of professed commitment can secure your future, this is one reason for fear. People change, people get curious, people get weak, people get fooled, we are so feeble and flippant. How does anyone feel secure enough in another person to put all their faith and trust in taking care of their heart? It sounds like complete and utter foolishness to me, for me to do that.

One part of me is scared to let go and just take another leap of faith in love like I have done before, and the other part says, you’ve already went all in before you knew you did, so why hold that part of your self hostage? Why not let go? Well, fear is the answer. Fear keeps a small part of myself hidden and locked away so that maybe, if my heart does get broken then there will be a small part of it that is kept safe.

We all hold back in something in life. All for the same reason. Trying to protect our hearts. Whether it’s holding back in your faith, love for a spouse, letting yourself fully love your children, holding back commitment in that career, not letting yourself love or be loved…. I’m sure there are many, many things that I couldn’t even think of, but I know we all hold back in one or more areas of life and to put it bluntly, it sucks, major……

The real question is, how? How do we let go, like we did when we were little children, before heartbreak and fear of heartbreak made our decisions; consciously and subconsciously…..

How?…..

 

 

Gypsy Red

Gypsy red, felt in her soul; every fiber of thy being arose from it. An anger a fear that can be defined with no words.
It was gypsy red that her soul bled after seeing that face. A face of eyes, a black hole, that within held no soul.
The past of old gritting thy subconscious as if to render me unconscious of current reality. Stagnancy ailing her forth going.
The silent sounds. Not spiritually unaided. Fleshly attached; Mental a stone.
She saw the snowman in the dark, lighting from red to blue to purple. Reminding her of a spirit far from home.
Two beauteous souls, lying close, changing her mood from maroon to red, tailed by a pink of love that merely emanated from beyond.
Feeling of a fool, O’ how she wanted to rid of it. Only wanting love, acceptance and appreciation for her heart.
Am I of divination, of course, premonitory dreams and intuition beyond the seams?
Belief in oneself to make it through to the other side, the other side of this life, there is deeper than the surface, there is more than meets the eye,
There is so much more to feel than we can touch.

Dreams

I know why I am so afraid to lose your love,

I have seen and felt what it would be like to lose your heart to someone else,

In another dimension, I have experienced the pain of losing you,

Your hands caressing another, tenderly loving someone else’s soul,

While my heart was no longer your concern,

You simply moved on to love another, no looking back or care for me anymore,

My dear, you wonder why I have such fears,

In another world, I know exactly what it feels like…