Waiting on Him

As in the words of Tom Petty, “The waiting is the hardest part……”

He is so right!

Is waiting not the epitome of patience?!

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

This verse struck me so powerfully the first time I saw it, and I hadn’t been studying The Word. I was at a place in my life where I knew I needed to stop running my life my own way and turn back to God. I saw the verse on a little wooden cross and decided I needed to go to that verse in the bible and study it. I ended up finding all kinds of verses in the Book of Isaiah that struck me so deeply and hit right on what I needed to hear from God at that time. I had never read the bible so clearly in all my life! And I had made several attempts before, ending in more confusion than anything! (FYI, Don’t ever start trying to read the bible in Genesis! Once it gets to the begats, forget it!)

Waiting on God can be tremendous torture! It is also one of the most rewarding things you can ever do!

Romans Ch.5 vs. 3,4 says ~ And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

After waiting on God and His perfect timing, things end up in a way that we could have never even imagined, way better than we could have ever planned…

“Well I will walk by faith even though I cannot see, Because this broken road prepares your will for me..” Jeremy Camp 

Feeling like your walking blindly, spiritually, can be, well, severely frustrating … We have to remind ourselves, it only feels that way and that it’s not the truth. We are never safer than when we are walking with God and He carries us and goes before us! So, to walk by faith sometimes may feel like walking blind, but it’s actually walking more clearly than we can ever know in our limited human abilities.

The devil used this tactic against me one time and it got the better of me. I constantly felt like I was walking a tightrope over a pit of fire, or a balance beam and with every step I felt myself starting to stumble and lose my balance. I had been walking with Him so faithfully for nearly two years and I couldn’t stand feeling the way I was feeling any longer. I was tired. I was weak. I didn’t know back then how much God loved me, and honestly I’m still learning, as I said before, within my limited human ability to do so. I’m realizing God loves me so much that I’ll never know exactly how deep His love is until I get to heaven and get to be in His presence. Back when I was struggling with balance, I had a mindset, (and unfortunately I had people close to me, only fueling the fire, and sadly they were all other “Christians”) that I had to walk this fine line and that if I didn’t then God would not protect me and God would not be there for me if I fell. I felt like I had to be perfect, in my thoughts, in my ways, in my words. It felt as though I had to live up to a certain standard for God to love me. Sadly I did not know that this was the devil and that my thinking was just ALL WRONG!

I gave up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t go on trying to please an impossible standard. The expectation was too high and I was striving to reach the unreachable.

What I learned? Well a big lesson. It took a lot more blows to the soul to send me down the right path, this time. The other path wasn’t exactly wrong (at least not in the sense that I was deliberately walking the wrong path) but it wasn’t right either. The big picture I had of God was wrong but the little things were being shown to me. So if I would’ve waited on God then, would I have been shown a different, easier way? Only God knows, but it showed me that I’d rather wait on Him than give up again!!!!!!!! I know there will be times of pain when I want to give up, but I believe I have a stronger stance and foundation than I did before and this, gives me hope.

I can’t explain it fully, I just know that God started wiping down foggy windows in my mind. I could see God before, but not clearly. I could see him in an impressionistic sense, but not detailed, not defined, it was like looking through glass that is all steamed up with condensation. He started clearing out the trash in my head about perfectionism and impossible standards. One swipe at a time a little more clear and a little more, and one day, the view will be so clearly, beautifully, indescribable…

Waiting on Him is so worth it……..

Encourage one another to wait on Him….

Pray for each other…….

Love one another…..

Wait on Him….

 

 

 

 

 

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Soul Pain

I look out the window and I am saddened. Yet again, the vision I had for that view is no longer before me. I am filled with grief like I’ve lost my very soul, I loved that vision of the future as much as I loved you. I am sure that I am safe but feeling insecure at the same time. It is a twisted cocktail of emotions.

It never fails, as soon as I get comfortable the ground cracks underneath me and shakes me up as if to let me know your future is really never what you think it will be. No matter how much planning and hope goes into it, life changes with the blink of an eye. Love and attachment is on the line, how am I supposed to just be fine? Rocked to the core was my soul and safety. Tortured by love because of the pain that it brings, raw emotions are so hard to claim. The closer I get to you the more vulnerable I become. The more vulnerable I become the easier the pain is brought to the surface. It spills out like a raging fire and it can’t be put out, only smothered, but always left there underneath, are hot coals burning, smoldering, awaiting that one little spark to ignite the fire of soul stinging pain, …………..again.

Faithshwa

I walk by faith and I don’t even realize it
I walk by faith purposely at times also
Sometimes faith is the only thing left to hold on to
Faith is always the answer
Blessed are those who have not seen, and believe
Faith tank, keep it full
The bible gives us fuel for faith
Prayer lifts up our faith
Faith can be tested
Faith will always win
Faith is a gift
Faith can redeem faith
Mustard seed faith
Faith the size of a mountain
Faith doesn’t care about how much you have
Good and faithful servant
Have faith
Faith will keep you sane
Faith is alive
Have a glass of faith
Faith is the net under the tightrope
Faithfulness will sustain you
Faith will give you strength
Faith will restore
Faith will bleed through when needed
If you’re going to grip anything, grip onto faith
Faith will light up your darkness
Give faith a chance to catch up

Exposure and “Safe sins”

Exposure feels yucky for some people. I, myself have never liked the feeling of vulnerability or exposure in my life, it all feels too uncomfortable to me.
I compare it to exposure on my camera..
For those of you who know about working with a fancy shmancy camera, you know that if your exposure setting is too high, then your picture is whited out and no details or even the main subject can be seen.
It’s like a whiteout in a snowstorm. Everything is blinded, except the brightness in front of you.
This is from my point of view when exposed and from my point of view when others are exposed.
Now, pretty quickly, I can start to get my vision back to normal for the other person, but for myself when exposed, I cannot seem to see or think about anything else for days! Even weeks, depending on the situation and the bigger the exposure; meaning the bigger the audience.
So, what makes exposure so nasty feeling?
Well, most of us don’t even like the feeling of vulnerability, I believe it starts with being hurt when you were naturally open to being open. After so many times of your openness being assaulted you start to connect that feeling of openness with pain, shame, regret, or any other negative, nasty feeling.
I believe there are some people who really have no ability or little ability to feel these feelings, or they are just able to bounce back from them more quickly than others.
At some point in my young life I wasn’t able to deal with the feelings of shame and embarrassment anymore. Perhaps during my teen years when I became so self-aware and felt so self-conscious that I couldn’t focus on anything else except how I “looked” to others. I never had a reassuring mother, actually quite the opposite. She was a bully, whether she knew it or not. This only deepening the wound causing more pain and the act of ostrich-ing (my definition for sticking ones head in the sand).

Now that I have analyzed the [why’s] in my situation, I’m going to think on how to break this terrible wall down!

To begin I want to clarify that I am a believer in privacy and I think privacy is a good thing, a gift actually. Like when I get to pray in private! I love that private time with God, when I feel the most like I can be myself. God knows me inside and out, so when I’m alone with HIM, I truly can be myself and sometimes it’s ugly!

I’ve had many-a-shaking-my-fist-at-God moments, yelling at Him! Giving it my all to let Him have it!!! Then falling to the floor crying and saying I’m sorry and asking for strength or just imaging His arms wrapped around me.
So.. I do believe in privacy, however, there is a difference in that and vulnerability. I have a huge problem with letting myself be vulnerable. I believe many of us do for whatever reason, it is hard for us to let others in on our issues, problems, sins, or whatever else you want to describe it as. Most of all I feel it comes from fear of judgment. Either the natural fear we are born with, or exaggerated fear from being judged so harshly before by others who were supposed to love you unconditionally.
So what does the bible say about it?
It says we are supposed to confess our sins to one another,…  Yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is absolutely terrifying for some of us! When you hear some people confess sins and it’s something along the lines of “Well I must confess that I was feeling a bit egotistical last week and I may have taken credit for some things, A. B. and C. that I shouldn’t have… and I truly ask for your forgiveness and I’m so sorry…” While for them it may be mortifying, but,
You’re listening to them and while you’re trying to remain empathetic and serious because you don’t want to demean them in any way in such a vulnerable moment, but you’re thinking, “Seriously guy?! If you only knew of the nasty words I spoke about so and so a month ago and can’t get myself to confess it!” Or “If you all only knew of my uncontrollable issue with smoking pot, or drinking!” “If you only knew that I was cheating on my wife with the lady in charge of children’s ministry!”
These are just examples of course, but it is where my mind goes when people confess, what I like to call the “safe sins”. I recently confessed to my church family that I am a smoker, and it was extremely difficult!!! This still, (to me) qualifies as a “safe sin”. It’s not as high in the red, danger zone as some other sins, although the bible says that all sin is the same in Gods’ eyes and that no one is righteous unless covered by the sacrificial blood of Jesus. So why do we humans see some sins as more awful than others??
Partly because maybe some sins affect more people directly and on a deeper level than others. For example, a smoker isn’t really emotionally destroying someone else as deep as perhaps a man who has left his wife and kids for someone else and completely deletes them from his life, leaving them feeling completely abandoned and having these issues follow them all the way into adulthood causing them to have trust issues and not being able to get close to anyone on an intimate level… and partly because of many other reasons you can think of….

So…. You see my point? Hopefully you do….
I suppose maybe these confessions of “safe sins” could be used as stepping stones for a deeper connection with opening up to others and letting them into your “dark side”… We all have one, it just becomes less embedded the longer we follow Christ….. Yet I’m still convinced that some of us have a darker side than others. A more “sinful” past, or present, than others. Intuitively (I believe) knowing this, it makes it even harder to open up.
Trusting in Jesus is pretty much the only way to break down these walls and jumping the hurdles. Following Him completely, no holding back, giving Him your all….
I know these sound like such general and generic terms, but it truly is the answer…. And believing that He will get you through the storm! And remembering that any negative outcome is a chance to grow!
Pain + Faith = Growth….