so unfulfilling

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so unfulfilling

Why are relationships so opposite of fulfilling? Un-fulfilling, for the most part. Only fulfilling in little bits and pieces here and there.

I am a very logical person and my brain packs a punch in common sense, so I know that a mate cannot always be the key to one’s happiness. However, for people like me, the whole relationship thing makes absolutely no sense.

Here’s how I have experienced it in my 31 years…

You meet someone, You connect on several levels, You get close to practically obsessed with this person so much so that you inevitably want to be married. They are all you can think about and you cannot wait to see them. Then you get married and start getting used to each other and then eventually completely irritated with the other persons’ quirks and eventually communication goes down the crapper and you start arguing over anything and everything. One spouse wants more than what the other is giving and the one spouse thinks everything is fine, while the other one is starving to death for emotional love. The more the starved partner voices their needs the more the starv-er distances themselves. One partner says “I think we need help” and the other one shudders at the thought of bringing a total stranger into such a personal equation. It either continues on in stagnation or they end up splitting apart and if there are children involved then everyone’s world is turned upside down…. And because why? Because for one reason or another someone in the relationship did not have the motivation, ambition or know-how to love the other correctly, or they both ultimately failed at it.

How does something so good in the beginning end in such tragedy? It’s quite baffling really. I mean, I get that in the beginning our hormones and testosterone is shooting through the roof, to the point that we are blind to each others flaws. And after the “honeymoon” phase is over, our hormone levels go back to normal and we are bummed. We are left thinking, “how could I have fallen in love with such a jerk?” “She was so sweet and loving in the beginning…?” “He was so attentive and caring when we first met…”

In the beginning of these seemingly perfect relationships, the need to please the other person comes without us even having to try. It’s so natural that it just happens, we have the energy to spend on the other person, we have the will to do whatever it takes to make them happy. Then when all that wear’s off we are left feeling and thinking, “this person expects me to be perfect and I just can’t make them happy anymore, I give up…” or “I don’t know what they want anymore” or “this person is so annoying, how did I not notice this before?!””

It’s really a rather sad situation, almost as if you’re being set up for failure and misery…. So then after all this you are left with few choices and none of them which are, to say the least, very enjoyable…. 1. You can agree to disagree and feel that it is better to part ways, 2. You can try and get help from therapy (and usually this means dragging the one along who has little to no faith or (or complete disdain for it) in counseling, making it miserable for the both of you) 3. Pray and beg God to give you the strength and wisdom to endure this trying and most difficult situation, praying that God opens the other persons eyes to the situation, and praying that you can come to a better place with your mate.

These choices just make me cringe and feel like I am completely stuck and nothing irks me more than feeling stuck, or trapped in any situation. My deepest desire is freedom and being with someone who causes so much unnecessary stress or difficulties or pain causes me to feel physically ill.

Are some of us better off alone? Are some of us too stubborn to move forward to a better place? What do you do when you have the most stubborn mate that there seems to be little to no hope in it? Why in the hell would I want to spend a good chunk of my life thinking, “well there’s always hope that we will be close one day and my relationship will be fulfilling.” ? Why? It’s so sad and depressing to have only hope to hold onto. I mean, I’m glad it’s there in times of crisis, to at least have hope when crises come is a beautiful gift from God, however that does not mean I want to spend years feeling nothing but hope from my relationship, instead of love and happiness.

Now I’m sure some will read this and say, “My relationship is quite fulfilling, and yours can be too, you just have to endure the hard times…” YUCK is what I have to say to that statement…. And sometimes relationships never do get out of that rut, both partners have to be willing to recognize there is a problem and then actually do something about it, if these things do not happen then the relationship will continue on in misery for one partner or both, making the whole household full of bad and ugly energy…. And also carrying that bad energy with you wherever you go….

I once had a friend, when we were teenagers, who would argue with me every time the subject was brought up about being in love with someone, he would say that love was just an illusion. Every time we would argue about it he would insist that love is not real and it was only an illusion. I would gasp at his opinion and say how could you think such a thing?! Well now that I’ve had a little age and experience imposed upon me I know what he was trying to say, at least I think I know what he meant. I believe he was trying to say, that all those butterflies and gushy mushy feelings were just an illusion…. He was kinda, sorta right….

I am at a crossroads in my beliefs on love and am hoping and praying that God will give me guidance and answers as to where to go from here…

I believe that part of love is a choice and not just a feeling, but some people like to preach that love is ALL choice and nothing more…. This is blasphemy in my opinion!!! Love is also a feeling, along with being a choice, love is also trust along with being a choice, love is also erotic along with being a choice. There is nothing else like it and to try and chalk it up to being completely a choice is just absurd… Yes, loving another person involves making choices that aren’t so pleasant for you, but make the other person feel elation… However if it is not a give and take relationship, then it will ultimately fail in one way or another……

The Marriage Starters Disasters…..

Rite of passage? You’re telling me that just because you are getting married, that it is your rite of passage? Just because you have lived a certain way for this long and now you are embracing a life with someone else, through marriage, that it is your right of passage? Since you are taking a big step in committing to another person, caring for another person, protecting another person, helping another person, thinking of another’s well-being, this makes you somehow able to skip out on that for a little while before the ceremony? Not only on your own but taking your closest friends with you to just let loose and do what feels good for a little while? To feel like you don’t have responsibility for a little while? To make sure you go out with one big bang before you have a ceremony? Nothing like splitting a couple apart and then smashing them back together to start this whole shebang off.
Now for those of you who haven’t figured out what I’m talking about yet, I’m talking about American culture and its views in celebrating an upcoming marriage with bachelor and bachelorette parties.
For me it has been common sense, I suppose, my whole life. How you start something is very important to the sustainability and life of the challenge ahead of you.
If you’re not catching on to what I am referring to than let me give you an example. For instance, if my goal ahead of me was to run a 5 thousand mile marathon, I’m not going to start by never practicing or building my endurance or putting no effort towards learning some new skills that will benefit my success and still expect to win and be horrified by my disastrous results after I try to win my race.
I have expressed my view and opinions in this matter a healthy couple handfuls of times throughout my life and most everyone who listens to me seems to scoff at my ideas and thoughts. They tell me I’m crazy, or out of touch, so on and so forth.
Many marriages don’t even follow through because of the cheating or the uncaring things that happen during the exciting and nerve racking times preceding the ceremony.
People take a step back and say, “Wait a minute,” “Is this right?” “This isn’t right” “I don’t like this” …
I believe that at one point in time, a long time ago, people were a little closer to how it should be handled. Now, I know I don’t have it perfectly down pat and I don’t know all the ins and outs and specifics of the situations, but I do believe I have some very valuable insight as to how it should be, or at least how it shouldn’t be handled.
Fathers used to play a much more active role in the decision on who their daughters would marry. A little too controlling about it in a major aspect (picking the spouse for them) but they had the protective and prove it to me attitude invested in it. They also had the, what’s in it for me and/or my family, thing going on, as if she were an item who could be bought and sold. With that said, men who had to work for a year or longer to prove their love or commitment towards a man’s daughter is a very good start. It shows commitment and determination, which is always a good thing in a marriage.
Starting a marriage with someone you are going to be with the rest of your life, should be celebrated together, not separately. And I’m not talking about the marriage ceremony and reception celebration afterwards. Ugh, such a formality anymore. It’s almost disturbing. How much more weird can we possibly make it. Where is the celebration that is most intimate and personal for the couple? The male takes his intimate and personal celebration with his closest mates on the road and far away from his bride to be. The woman takes her celebration with her closest gal pals and does whatever she’s into at the time. Then, within the next 24 hours, they are thrown into a marriage ceremony, that is usually anything but personal, and are forced to say some of the most intimate things in front of some of the most un-intimate people they don’t know or are only acquainted with. Then off to dance and sing and greet and eat in front of all these, nearly strangers and distracted and disrupted for the next several hours by all these people, when the only thing you want to do is be with your new spouse and everyone is pulling you this way and that way. Giving you lame, drunken advice on how to keep your marriage from failing and falling apart. It is ludacris and madness to me. It makes no sense. It’s bewildering.
I do believe in making a big deal about something that is a big deal, such as a marriage ceremony. So how does one make a big deal about it without making it feel so fake and keeping it personal and private at the same time?
You see the dilemma?….
I know with some detailed thought and brainstormation, I could definitely pick out a way to do this. If only the American culture could see it and understand it as well, I believe I am on to something very fashion forward for the soul. At one time at the start of the turning of events and formations, I think the American wedding ceremony was very beautiful and meaningful, and is another one of those things in life that has become more routine than anything. I definitely feel those who take pride in making their wedding extremely personal, will have a long lasting and wonderful relationship. I have yet to do some statistical analysis on that.

I am sure some of you will think, but I like the excitement of people everywhere at my party and I don’t care if I barely know them, and I don’t care if my ceremony doesn’t speak me or who I truly am. I am just there to celebrate my vows with whoever and wherever. And that’s o.k. if that works for you as a couple!!! However, I do believe that there is something screaming for more than what it has become. At least there is something screaming inside of me anyway….