MissUndertsood

I’ve always felt misunderstood… people see one way on the outside but I feel completely different than what they see…. when I try to explain myself, they look at me dumbfounded, deer in the headlights, like I’m growing a green horn out of my forehead and googly eyes…. people don’t get me…. I’m too complicated to understand in one meeting… I’m like Shrek, I’m an onion, I have layers, many, many layers…. sometimes I myself am discovering new layers within my layers… sometimes it’s a fun, encouraging discovery, other times it’s discouraging and not so fun what I find. Even I don’t understand myself, I confuse myself, I over analyze myself, I’m too self aware with myself, I try hard to improve myself, I try to remember to enjoy myself, I try and take time away for and from myself …. sometimes I am so overwhelmed with myself I can’t get out of this sticky web I feel like I’m caught in… this web of emotions of frustration and no light at the end and I’m just spinning my wheels of life in the mud and getting no where… like I’m treading water and I cannot move fast enough or gain any ground …. Sometimes, I am my happy, go with the flow self, and that is my favorite, most comfortable self to be… I feel like me when I am that me, I feel like I fit in my skin when I’m that self…. I feel like life is a bouquet of daisies and I don’t mind the little ants and bugs that come along with it…. but those me’s are few and far between… I wish I had more of them…. I want that me…. that me that isn’t hormonal, that me that isn’t depressed, that me that isn’t discouraged, that me that finds the laughter in all the craziness and just giggles just because it feels good to giggle… that me that doesn’t worry about how the bills will get paid… that me that is full of faith and love overflows out of me to give to those around me….. this me right now really misses that me,…. I pray that tomorrow will bring some peace and joy and give me some renewed strength for the coming week of trials… I’m looking for the blessings it feels with a magnifying glass these days… and I know that’s not how I’m supposed to feel but that’s just the me that is me right now, feeling and remembering I can’t trust feelings, but having to ride them out is a doozy and I could do without these tough emotional roller coasters for a while …. some days I can’t wait to be at home with Jesus …. Jesus just come get us, come get us all and take us home to be with you…..

I pray we can have a thankful Easter… thank you Jesus for dying for a sinner like me, and rising again so I can live and be free from death…. Praise you, Oh You who are Holy!!!! Praise you Jesus!!!! Thank you!!!!!

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House of Solemn

These days there isn’t much laughter here. My house has become filled with melancholy heaviness. We’ve suffered a devastating loss through a miscarriage and we are all trying to survive the pain and out of control feelings.

When your home goes from cozy and inviting, to cold and uninviting, it’s a pretty disturbing feeling. My miscarriage happened here at home and for me that means my home holds the memory of such a traumatic event.

I walked around my home for four weeks trying to keep my baby alive, do the right things to help it be healthy, praying, hoping, wishing, feeling ill, feeling okay, feeling like something good like a new baby was just what our family needed after so many years of one bad situation after another.

I’ve become melancholy. I’ve become solemn too. In my moments of happiness, which are few, I direct it towards my family, trying to be the mum they need, the wife he needs, the sister they need, the aunt she needs, the granddaughter they need, the daughter Jesus wants.

I am at a loss for how I feel from one minute to the next. sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I’m depressed. Some of the time I’m angry, or solemn or inconsolable. I want to get out of this house to stop the constant reminder of our loss and grief, but it just follows me. Everywhere I go it’s still there. I tell myself I need to get out so I can be healthy, but I don’t really feel like it helps. Maybe it’s just too soon for anything at all to help this broken heart of mine. I miss my baby, the one I have to wait to officially meet in heaven.

I miss my baby, who I only knew for a short four weeks. I don’t care that you weren’t fully developed, I knew you, and you were mine, my sweet growing baby. But something wasn’t right from the start, I could feel it. I didn’t want to accept it but the void was there. I didn’t, couldn’t get a vision for you. There was no vision of a future with you here with me. It was the strangest and hardest thing to go through. I told my husband, I cried in his arms, I have no vision for this baby and I don’t know why but I think it means it’s not going to happen.

You can put a band-aid on a broken heart all you want but underneath it is still broken and that band-aid isn’t gonna fix it.

A part of me wants to go back to before I ever knew you, but of course that’s only because of the pain I feel from losing you. A part of me knows that there is a promise of great joy ahead. A part of me is trying to grieve and a part of me is trying to get better. But until these wounds turn into scars,

this will be the house of Solemn……

Menslaughter

I’m almost finished with this show on Netflix called AD Kingdom and Empire. It’s about the continuation of Jesus’ ministry through the apostles and what they had to face. It’s pretty good, there’s only 1 season and about 12 episodes and it’s from 2015, so I don’t know if there are more to come or if it is one of those shows that just didn’t quite get the ratings and support it needed to go on. There are plenty of moments of pretty bad acting but the story line, the real life twist to it and the characters, all seem to somehow mesh really well together and make it work and you can look past the bad acting to stay fixated on the show.

It got me thinking today while driving home from grocery shopping, I don’t know why but I am one of those people who doesn’t talk much while driving…. so, I think instead….

Anyway, I was thinking about how it must have been harder for the men in some ways that I as a woman would not want to have to deal with. I pictured myself in that time and figured, it probably wasn’t as hard for the women to stay out of the Romans and the pharisee’s way, to avoid being killed! Woman back then were naturally in the shadows anyway because of the culture. Men on the other hand (most of the apostles anyway) felt the natural passion of Christ; to go out and proclaim Jesus’ way, and at the same time wondering when their number will be up just because someone felt like killing a jew or a Jesus follower that day.

We don’t really know how many men and women were killed for Jesus’ sake, but we know it was a slaughter, and I’m willing to bet that there were more men than women killed over it. It is a heart wrenching thought to think about, men who loved Jesus so much they were willing to die for proclaiming their faith. I’m sure women shared their faith through talking too, but we as women have a gift of sharing the faith through more subtle ways as well….

Today, my husband noticed a magnet on the fridge, (its been there for 4 weeks) that had the whole proverbs 31 chapter on it. I heard him call from the kitchen “Honey! What’s Proverbs 31?” I walked in and told him it was a chapter in the bible dedicated to women. He said, “Oh…. well i like this one,” and pointed to the verse that says, -leave off with the complaining- we laughed. Lord knows I could do less complaining….. But I won’t admit that to my husband 😉

I usually don’t get offended over commands in the bible, but at that moment I felt mad that us women have a whole chapter in bible dedicated to us and men could so easily pick that scripture out of the bible and use it against us or out of context or even, rightly so, exactly to the point of what it means. I thought, how unfair! As if life for us isn’t hard enough, God gave men a whole chapter to hold against us!!! I wasn’t a happy camper for a while. And then something (more likely God Himself) clicked and my soul and mind felt sorry for men and i felt bad for the way I had thought and felt earlier. I thought, well, we might have a whole chapter dedicated to us but there is a lot more aimed at men in the bible and a lot of responsibility on their shoulders as Christ followers, as well. Then I was thinking about how in the days after Jesus’ ministry, there were so many men killed, you don’t hear about the slaughter of the women, just mostly men. This made me feel even more bad. Ugh, to think I had thrown such a stupid tantrum earlier… But we are constantly being humbled by our Lord, and this incident is my most recent encounter with being taught by Him,

……………………………………………the greatest teacher of all…………………………………………………….

Uninspired

Feeling uninspired lately. I’ve said before that when an artist isn’t creating, then their soul feels like it’s dying. It’s torturous. My soul cringes at the stagnancy. My soul longs for that rush. That rush that makes you feel alive when you’ve come up with something absolutely beautiful to you. When you have sparkles in your eyes because your soul is glowing. I long for it. I’ve been too long without it. God help me find it again…

The depth of your love 

I will never know. It is so deep that it never ends.
I long to know why you would love such a sinner? Why would you want me in your presence? Why would you want me?
For this wicked heart you died and conquered death so I could be saved.
You sacrificed your life for me, this fleshly worldly heart that sins against thee over and over.
How can I even begin to know your love when it is so overwhelmingly evident that here on earth I will never be able to feel the deepest part of your love;
The richness of your love is unreachable for me
In this earthen body I am separated from you.
I thank God for your Holy Spirit that I may be able to sense even a drop of your being.
Describing you is like trying to grab water, when you think you’ve got it, it slips through and you become indescribable again.
All the beauty that we can experience will never measure up to the realm of which you are in.
Words are futile trying to describe you.
I could try for a thousand years and never be able to put all the pieces of your love for me together.
I cry tears of awe and joy and shame and gratefulness thinking about how you put yourself through torture for me, the one who can never give you the same amount of love in return. The unconditional love you have for me, there are no words, yet I still try to describe your love, your love is truly immeasurable…
I’m overwhelmed
I’m in awe
I’m in love
I’m in pieces
I’m shaken
I’m grounded
I’m understood
I’m loved
By You
I wish I could give you more, but all that I can give you, is all yours to have
Jesus,
my best friend, my father, my protector, my healer, my maker, my teacher, my guide, my everything
Make me better, make me more like you, make me have your heart and your eyes and your spirit and your love
You have the keys to my heart through your song of love

Light Another Candle

Light another candle

Say another prayer

Place some more flowers at the crime scene

Tell the world we are actually safe

Lie after lie after lie after lie after lie

I suppose as long as they show empathy for the victims all is well, right? Ha!!! I laugh at the thought of how stupid Democratic liberals have become. 

No standards.

The sky is the limit. 

Rules and laws are considered oppression. 

I can do whatever I want no matter who it hurts. 

Righteous anger against illegal aliens is blasphemy.

Freedom of speech means I can say whatever I want and consequences from those words or actions are suppression of my freedom. 

People have lost all sense of COMMON SENSE.

Common sense is losing its place among most people. As the saying goes, “why isn’t common sense more common?”.

Open immigration is a catastrophe. The lax on immigration laws and refugees isn’t even the issue anymore. Judges and lawyers are actually fighting against the rules of common sense immigration. Calling the laws racist, unempathetic, phobic, outdated, unconstitutional, and frothing at mouth with many more ridiculous lies.   

My concern is, will the madness stop, or is it only going to get worse? If things get better, then ok, we can ride it out, but if it gets worse

 God help us….

People Are Asleep

Why are people not listening ?? Why are these people having to be slaughtered before their very eyes and they still look the other way? They still deny reality.

“Let them in!” They chant, “Christians for Muslims” they write on their poster boards, “We support refugees”, as if to spin it so that they are the only ones who feel bad for people trying to flee oppression. 

I am sick and tired of this rhetoric that if you want to protect your country then you are a racist. You are an islamiphobe 

People need to WAKE UP! The peace loving hippie liberals need to shut up and listen for once, they’re so busy preaching love and peace they can’t see the forest for the trees! 

Peace and love are great, but let’s be real here, there cannot be total love and peace on this planet!!! If you believe that and you are an adult then you need to emotionally grow up! You’re stuck in an adolescent way of thinking….. there is evil on this planet and guess what evil wants to do, it wants to KILL you, it wants to destroy you, it lives in people, and therefore we cannot have a kumbaya lovey-dovey society. There is NO chance of a utopian society anywhere on this planet.

People are asleep  

People do not want to see the evil for what it is. They make excuses for the evil that rapes and pillages, saying “they don’t have enough jobs and education, we need to be patient with them and help them assimilate.” 

That’s bullshit, THEY DONT WANT TO ASSIMILATE!!!!! THEY DONT WANT YOUR SYMPATHY!!!!!! THEY ARE EVIL!!!!!!! ISLAM IS NOT A RELIGION OF PEACE!!!!!!  

Our last president was a ISLAMIC SYMPATHISER!!!! If you can’t see that, then I pray for your spiritual eyes, because you are completely blind and need help with seeing reality. Our last president wanted to fundamentally transform America. Why would you want to fundamentally transform freedom?? I’ll tell you why, because you want the opposite, what’s the opposite of freedom? I’ll tell you, it’s oppression of the body and mind, and imprisonment of the spirit. It’s total control and one world order. 

An American was killed yesterday in London, traveling with his wife for their 25th anniversary, and now his wife will forever have that as her celebration memory. An American was uselessly slaughtered and I AM ANGRY. I’m beyond angry. I am beyond furious. There are no words to describe how angry I am. I can only try and describe how I feel. I have had it with the complacency of our people. I have had it with the blind leading the blind. I have had it with the protestors thinking they are doing something good for humanity and they’re actually causing the opposite. I’ve had it with these so called leader celebrities chanting that they are proud to be nasty women. YOU ARE NOT A CHAMPION FOR WOMEN!!!! If you were you would be campaigning against what women have to go through in the Muslim communities. You would be championing for the oppressed and the women and children who are bought and sold into the sex slave business, which is alive and well and happening right here in the USA, in case you weren’t aware. If you were a champion for women you wouldn’t be making excuses for Islam. If you were a champion for freedom of religion you wouldn’t sit quietly while Christians prayer is being taken away from schools. If you were a champion for human rights you wouldn’t be ok with letting the total opposite, take over our country.

WAKE UP!!!!!


We.Are.The.Church

I have been taught, if you don’t go to a church, then you will start to fall away from Jesus. While I believe this can be true, I don’t believe it is an absolute truth.

The more I experience the “church life” the more I grow to hate it in what it has become.

Please hear me. I don’t think that all churches are bad, and that all people who go to one and serve in one, are bad. If you have convictions that a Christian must go to a church, that is an option available to you and I’m happy for you. However, I have come to a conclusion during this phase of my life, that I do not need a church to worship, have a relationship with, or be able to walk with Christ in a deep manner.

I’ve become very critical of churches and their purposes these days, because I have had this epiphany that it is turning itself into a business.

You’ve got your head people in place. Your buyers buying. And there’s a constant demand for what you’re selling.

•CEO and Sales Pitcher = Pastor

•Crewman and Salesmen = Deacons, Elders, Leaders of the  church

•Daycare Crew = Children’s church

•Consumers = Congregation who donates at least 10% of their profits or earnings and a few will volunteer their time for extra needs

I realize this type of thinking can cause people to get in an uproar and think I’m speaking near blasphemy, but think about it for a little while. I realize it makes you uncomfortable; it did me too when I started seeing and thinking this.

Ask yourself these questions to help yourself determine whether or not your church is really working at its absolute best for the kingdom.

1. Does the majority of our church congregation get together more than just Sundays or Wednesday evenings?

2.Does the majority get together somewhere else outside of the church building, more than a few times a year?

3.Does our church have programs for the widowed, orphans, or poverty stricken people of our town?

4. Does our pastor have any other job to bring himself income, besides to preach on sundays?

5.Do I know that if I was struggling with an embarrassing sin, I know of at least 5 people, that I could tell it to and they would not judge me in a way that would make me feel unloved and that they wouldn’t blab it to someone else?

These are just some basic questions that should define what a church should have. You can dispute me all day, and that’s fine, but I’m finding it harder and harder to find a church that has these simple principles in place.

My point to #1 and #2

I don’t care how busy you say your life is, your Christian church family should be just as important as anything else in your life and if you’re not spending time together outside of church, out in the real world, in people’s real day to day lives, how can you get to know each other? How can you grow together as brothers and sisters in Christ? How can you say you really care? Many Christians in church don’t even really have anyone outside of those church walls that they can relate with when it comes to being a Christian. Most of them have non-Christian family members they have to deal with, and non-Christian coworkers who they have to deal with. If you’re of a family that is mostly Christian and your friends are too and you grew up all cozy and comfy in a great Christian church , well let me tell you something, you are blessed beyond  what you can even realize, because I personally know what it is to grow up without that. People in your congregations are starving to have more fellowship time with like minded believers and yet all they can find are the ones at 10:30 Am 6:30 Pm and 7 Pm. And guess what, they have to sit and listen the whole time, it’s not an actual time of fellowship. It’s worship and lesson time. What do real families do that make them bond? They take trips together.   They argue with each other. They forgive each other. They eat together. And they pray together. And many other things. Now, if a church congregation and the leaders of it, can’t make these things a priority, then I know, that the love for the congregation is not a priority. And Christ would not be pleased about it.

My point to #3

If your church does not have financial programs or some type of help for, the drug addicted, widows, orphans, and the poverty stricken people of your area, then your church does not have Christs love for its people. You have a missions program? Great for you! You have a kids bible night throughout the school year? Great for you! You have a men’s bible study night on Thursday’s and you take a love offering for the pastor? Great for you. But what about the people of your community who need your Help!!! They need to know you care! By actually lending a helping hand and letting them know that they can come to you and ask for help with groceries or help on their light bill, or someone to watch their kids while they go to work. I could go on and on with all the things the churches could be and should be helping with, but they’re not.

My point to #4

This issues gets a lot of people all in a big-harry-fit. Lots of people will defend their pastor who’s only income is what the congregation donates to him, by saying “well he works for the Lord so it’s only right we pay him for it, he deserves it”, “if he had to go out and work a job through the week how would he be able to give a good sermon on Sunday?” This is all bologna…… every Christian that does as the Bible says, do all things for the Lord, is working for the Lord. An honest pastor will get his special reward in heaven, from the king, not from us. Most pastors make more money than at least half of their congregation!!! Most of them drive a better vehicle than half of ther congregation. And a lot of them have stay at home wives who has five kids to feed and raise. That money should be going to the people of the community who have NOTHING! And don’t give me that bull about, “well what about keeping the church lights on and water and landscaped and building repairs…” I’ve never claimed that the church building itself doesn’t need financial help to keep running, because it does, I know it does. But for the pastor and/or his family to live off of the congregations offerings??? It’s obsured.

My point to #5

It’s pretty self explanatory. If you can’t trust at least five people in your church, with a confession you need to make or a secret you need help with, then it’s either you have trust issues or the more likely answer, your church has untrustworthy people in it.

I know that this does not describe all churches, but it does describe a lot of them. Being from a pretty small town of about 6 thousand people, 3 stoplights, a non-super Walmart, you’d think that the majority of our churches would be good ones, but sadly there are not. It’s no wonder our society is starting to scream “tax the churches”. Why shouldn’t they when their congregations donations aren’t going to where they should be anyway?

I believe it is a crisis that has been sweeping the nation for a while and it’s time to stand up and do something about it.