I’m reaching a point in my life, for the first time, where I don’t feel like I’ll be okay if I have to start life over again.
I’ve always been the type of person to see beyond a heartache and pick myself up and dust off the pain after a few nights of crying the blues, and then, move on.
But now? Now I am looking at the future thinking, what would I do if he left? What would I do if something happened to him? What would I do if our life got turned upside down and he no longer was a part of it? I feel like I would be paralyzed with pain or fear or both…
And honestly this really surprises me. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve been through a lot worse than being heartbroken by a lover, I’ve been through a couple of them in fact, so to think that at 32 I would feel so insecure, is quite a scary part in itself.
Why am I so insecure about my future and our commitment to each other, his more so than mine? Why is my confidence in our future so lacking in faith? What the hell is going on?
I suppose, since the truth is that no age is immune to being heartbroken and no amount of professed commitment can secure your future, this is one reason for fear. People change, people get curious, people get weak, people get fooled, we are so feeble and flippant. How does anyone feel secure enough in another person to put all their faith and trust in taking care of their heart? It sounds like complete and utter foolishness to me, for me to do that.
One part of me is scared to let go and just take another leap of faith in love like I have done before, and the other part says, you’ve already went all in before you knew you did, so why hold that part of your self hostage? Why not let go? Well, fear is the answer. Fear keeps a small part of myself hidden and locked away so that maybe, if my heart does get broken then there will be a small part of it that is kept safe.
We all hold back in something in life. All for the same reason. Trying to protect our hearts. Whether it’s holding back in your faith, love for a spouse, letting yourself fully love your children, holding back commitment in that career, not letting yourself love or be loved…. I’m sure there are many, many things that I couldn’t even think of, but I know we all hold back in one or more areas of life and to put it bluntly, it sucks, major……
The real question is, how? How do we let go, like we did when we were little children, before heartbreak and fear of heartbreak made our decisions; consciously and subconsciously…..