I think, I think, I think, I think…. I think I know why I have always been on the outside.
Looking in at all the others bonding and having fun.
People are attracted to funny. People are attracted to witty. People are attracted to goofballs who know how to entertain! Hey! I get it! Even I am attracted to those people! But I am also attracted to those who know how to have a deep conversation about…. well, anything that matters!!! And as a matter of fact, I’m more attracted to those kinds of people.
All of these qualities, I surely am not any of them! At least not until I get to know you and warm up to you, which can take a looooooooong time! Therefore, people tend to find me boring, too serious, or even depressing!!! I can totally see why people are not drawn to me! LOL It actually makes me laugh now that I know why I’ve never been one to have lots of friends, and the ones I did have didn’t care too much to have a long serious phone call or hang out session talking about life and all its deep meanings. I mean, maybe every once in a while, and when they had problems they wanted to talk about.
I’m a dreamer. I’m a thinker. I’m an analyzer. I’m not naturally wired to be on the lookout for everything funny. I’m not wired to be quick witted at all times. Every once in a while I surprise myself with a good comeback, and make people laugh, but most of the time I’m just living in my head. I’m extremely sensitive and empathetic, so therefore I absorb a lot of negative emotions and sadness is easily picked up on, and let’s be honest, there’s a lot of that in this world!
I know at one time early on in my life I was more inclined to, “just have fun”, but somewhere along the way, my brain tightened up those cogs and got a lot more serious. Could have been all the trauma and horrible events I’ve been through, that add up to about five lifetimes. Could have been the narcissistic mother I had. Could have been the emotionally distant father I had. Hmmm…. Yes, I’m quite sure it has to do with all of those reasons.
But, while others may be looking at me and thinking “She’s so depressing! No fun, no fun attalll!!! That’s okay, because it has lead me on a journey that has filled me with so much wisdom that I probably have the wisdom of 55 year old…. And I’m 32 by the way. Who knows, my wisdom-ry may be of an even older age! And while not all people care about having wisdom, I for one DO! So, my wiring and character, fits me perfectly 🙂
Any-who… Most people that did great things for humanity, didn’t spend their time being admired by their peers, they spent their time thinking.
And I’ll leave you, with that thought…